Stephen A. Fuqua (SAF) is a Bahá'í, programmer, and conservation and interfaith advocate in the DFW area of Texas.

July 20, 2007

Looking Forward

Enneagram

I was looking at that again, though only briefly, as I was thinking once again about my life in the future. You see, in the next year or two I expect a major transition (moving) will affect me, but then after that I have nothing to look forward, explicitly, for the next thirty-five years or more. I don't mean that I won't look forward to many day-to-day activities, but that there won't be further major changes to prepare for or expect. At least at this point. That has me kind of weirded-out. And thus that gets me back into my historical pattern of periodically thinking: "what do I want to be doing in 5 years time?"

It is likely that I am already in a field that is perfect for my temperament and abilities. Yet it is completely unsatisfying to work in a field where I am contributing nothing positive to humanity. Sure, there are some programming jobs out there that give that kind of opportunity — but I despair of getting one.

Perhaps part of this very-slight melancholia is continuing disappointment that physics didn't work out. Disappointment in myself that I wasn't able to do better (I don't take failure well).

I manage to do some things outside of work that feel like positive contributions, but my motivation and passion lie in doing much more than a few hours a week. Spending most of my waking hours as a cog in this big capitalistic system is kind of gross. Makes me feel a bit polluted… but really, on a physical day-to-day level, it's not like going to work makes me feel nauseous. Still, I think about this at least for a few minutes just about every day.

2 Comments

Do you guys have a destination in mind for moving?

I actually can understand fairly well and empathize with what you mean about the disappointment. I'm working in my field but am not really satisfied doing what I'm doing. For me, the disappointment comes from knowing that I spent a lot of time and effort on something that I discovered was not passionate about.

Somewhere warm and in the southwestern quadrant of the U.S. (maybe add possibility of northeastern / southwestern corner U.S. / Canada. eh.)

Ignoreland just came up on iTunes :-).